March, 1979.
He was a young doctor. Already successful in his profession, got married to a girl whom he liked very much and she conceived immediately after the marriage. What else is required to bloat up one’s ego. The doctor was a proud man. He was proud of everything. He had, during his college days, attended classes conducted by H H Swami Chinmayananda, both, morning Upanishad and evening Gita classes. His intellectual understanding of the subject was so good, but as it has not touched his heart, instead of becoming humble, he was proud of that too.

October, 1979.
The whole of Tamilnadu was reeling under north east monsoon. A friend of the doctor, a bank manager, belonging to Kongan, invited the doctor to join him in a visit to Ramanashramam, to which both of them have not been so far. One of the teachers of the doctor was Dr.Rangabhashyam, whose clinic displays a big portrait of Ramana, but this doctor, poor fellow, did not allow His grace to penetrate into his pride. He remembered vaguely the face of Ramana and both reached the Ashram around eight in the morning in pouring rain. They were welcomed by the Ashramites, who were apparently surprised and shocked to receive two fellows in such a rain. They were provided with the basic facilities and after filling up the stomach, both wandered around the premise, just ignored a dark empty hall and started up the mountain to Skandasramam. They were most interested in the greenery and the scenery rather than tune to the Divine call and the vibrations of the whole mountain and in particular, the ever present Ramana.

The day slowly wore off with intermittent strong down pours. Dusk merged into night and the supper was over. They lazily wandered towards the dark empty hall and ventured into it. Bhagwan was reclining in the coach. The hall was empty except for a single person, with closed eyes. It was the meditation hall. Both of them sat cross legged and closed their eyes, just out of curiosity.

Suddenly I opened my eyes because I felt somebody was looking at me intently. The eyes of the Bhagwan in the picture have become alive. They were smiling, friendly, but firmly piercing. They bore into me and ‘I’ was shattered….


Tears ran down my eyes. I didn’t exist. My vanity, my pride, my all were gone. I felt totally empty; there was a big void inside me but the serenity of the eyes took me over. Something caressed my being…or me. Suddenly the bank manager shook me and said it was time to go to the room.

That night I was wide awake. All that I have studied so far now rang in my ears with a new reverberating meaning. Adi Sankara’s, “Kasthvam? Koham? Kutha aayathah?” peeled me naked. I understood the necessity to understand ‘me’. The total temporariness of this “individual” life dawned upon. At that time I haven’t read anything by Bhagvan, but Sankara and Upanishads took over. It was His Grace that revealed the actual meanings of all that I have studied but carried about as an ornamental vanity until that day.

The next day dawned still overcast. But my mind was clear. I was speechless but elated. Light and floating, I felt like shouting “Ramana” at the top of my voice and I did the same inside my heart repeatedly and my whole being collapsed and a happiness filled the void.

The bank manager thought that I am being haunted by the thought of my pregnant wife. Meanwhile, we were warned that except for one route connecting Tindivanam, all other routes connecting Thiruvannamalai were cut off. So, after a hurried lunch, we pushed off from the Ashram back home.

January, 1980.
Seasons rolled away and my girl made me a father. What else is required for the ego to spread its ugly wings again and to forget those piercing but grace filled eyes of Bhagwan! But Bhagwan IS an infinite ocean of mercy and compassion. He IS NOT bothered about the tears shed for the temporary, but is a glaring beacon for the inward journey. It was October of 1980, and I became restless. I could not identify the cause for my restlessness but it was December when a thought flashed whether the unrest could be due to Bhagwan. The moment I had this thought, a calm prevailed. Astonished beyond belief, I started to the Ashram.

December, 1980.
IN the old meditation hall, I avoided looking at his eyes and closed mine. Suddenly the same piercing look made me open the eyes. He was beaming. His smile was captivating. Tears rolled down and that night in my room I started reading ‘Who Am I’ for the first time. I started going thro many of the Ashram publications and to my amazement, I saw Bhagwan pouring down all the essence of Upanishads in such a simple and understandable way. The bank manager having been transferred, I was alone in my visit. During the hours of solitude in the room, my thoughts repeatedly revolved around steadfastness and the Hill loomed in front, as an example for it. All the dualities, good and bad, fame and disgrace, happiness and sorrow, plenty and poverty… all are for the individual ego. ‘I’ never suffer from anything, only ‘i’ suffer. I was far away from the ‘I’, but with such an intellectual understanding, I went back.

It happens year after year until this day. But the restlessness of the first few years was replaced by an insatiable longing to be in his presence. And, now the whole family visit him, the wife and the daughter as well.

Meanwhile, the worldly life, with all its turbulence, proceeded ahead : my daughter was found to be hearing handicapped. Being pre lingually hearing handicapped, she was speechless as well (deaf and dumb). She was separated from the family for educational purposes. The joint family of brothers scattered into individual nuclear families. But Bhagvan was with me. I never talked to Him about my life, for, what could ‘happen’ without his knowledge! He didn’t bestow any health or wealth of this world, but showed me the clear pathway of self enquiry, a calm and steadfast inner atmosphere from where I could weather away all the afflictions, both positive and negative. He was graceful enough to bless my wife also with the same understanding.

Aug, 2008.

Now the daughter is a visual communication graduate, firmly willing to remain a bachelor, and both of us are cardiac patients. But we never regret the events in our life. We never told Bhagwan of our “misfortunes” or “sufferings”. Whose is the misfortune and who is the sufferer…this thought always rings through my inner labyrinths.

Until now, we had been, all the three, visiting Ramana almost every year. We enjoy His smiles, we allow him to penetrate and cleanse our interiors and every time, we leave the Ashram with one step closer to “I”. We have seen many instances of how people came to Bhagwan, but in our case, it is He who pulled us towards His infinite compassion.

Let miseries be showered on us, but they are of the body and the mind. Who is ‘that’ which says bitter guard as bitter and the sugar as sweet! Bhagwan has given us the ‘Enquiry’ and remains with us as a constant guide in our inner search.

Saalokyam (vision of the Divine), Saameepyam (proximity), Saayujyam (mergence).
Of the three, The first two can happen only inthe presence of our instruments. The vision of the divine is experienced by the eyes, a part of the body and the body is an instrument given to "us" to act in this karma bhumi to exhaust our vaasanaas.
Again, in Saameepyam, Proximity also: if the proximity is physical as Gopicas enjoyed, it is again thro the body and if the proximity is experienced by the mind or felt by the intellect again it is thro the other two instruments, namely the mind and the intellect.
Even if "i", the jivatma is at proximity, again there exists a seperateness. But many Bhaktas have expressed their UNWILLINGNESS to attain Saayujyam, where the jivatma looses its identituy and merges with the Infinite Paramaatma. They have decided to be in "Saameepyam", enjoying Paramaatma; to be ever in the blissful state of intoxicating nearness to the Lord.
(to be continued)

Hello everybody,
This is the home i have built in the suburb of Coimbatore. I call this "Saayujyam", for, the building is an integral one with no totally seperated units.
I am a practising physician, toying with an idea of retiring from active practice, for the profession is going from bad to worse, both from doctors point of view and patients point of view.

Let me come back to you soon with various facts and questions that may interest you and rather raise you from your sleep.